4 words that can save your marriage, career and even life
For years, this has helped me maintain a relationship.
My family and I returned from a wonderful vacation on the Italian coast. Everything was just perfect – 10 days of excellent food, sun and beautiful beaches. Although there was one day among them that almost ruined our entire trip. I then caught a cold and intended to spend the whole day in the room. But my wife certainly had to go to the beach, and since we have three young children, I agreed to keep them company.
I wanted to go to another beach where we were a few days ago. Soft white sand, clean and calm water, a great bar where you can eat, sun loungers … However, my wife had other plans – to visit a new beach, and I agreed.
So, we arrived at the place and my beloved was in real paradise. She liked the turquoise water teeming with fish and perfect for snorkeling (a kind of swimming under the surface of the water). Under the sea surface really opened up an incredible view. She even found a place for us in the shade under the trees.
I was not enthusiastic. The shade was nice, but there wasn’t enough a deck chair. Yes, and the place was difficult to call comfortable. The sand was not as soft as I like, and the waves were much stronger than they could suit young children.
And the more I compared this beach to the previous one, the more my mood worsened. I wanted to complain and tell her: “Why couldn’t we just go back to where we were?”
And then I remembered simple words that have repeatedly saved my relationship:
Do not agree, but accept.
save your marriage, career and life
This phrase was coined in the 1980s and was actively popularized by Intel and Amazon. This is the management principle, which involves a healthy discussion and objection during the decision-making process, but it requires the parties to support the decision made earlier fully.
In one of his appeals to shareholders, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos described this principle as follows:
“This phrase saves a lot of time. If, despite the lack of consensus, you are confident in something, say: “Listen, I know that we have different views on this issue, but let’s take a chance. Just agree with me, but you can remain with your opinion. “
To disagree, but to accept is not some simple slogan. This is a practical way to demonstrate your level of emotional intelligence in the real world.
For example, in the case of a vacation, I agreed to let my wife choose a beach. Of course, I could complain about her choice, but what benefit would it bring? Due to the common cold, I would definitely find something to complain about anywhere else. And my nagging would spoil everyone’s mood and would really upset my wife.
Therefore, I did exactly the opposite. I looked in the new beach for all its advantages and listed them out loud: “Darling, the water is simply magnificent. For the whole vacation we have not seen so many fish. And the view is really amazing! ”
“I know,” she said enthusiastically. “Isn’t that fine?”
And guess what? I managed to survive these few hours on the beach. In the end, I felt better, and we had a great rest of the vacation. And I liked that new beach so much that I returned to it again. And most importantly, thanks to one simple phrase, I managed to avoid a real catastrophe.
Do not agree, but accept.
How can this principle save your life?
Perhaps you’ve heard of the Harvard Adult Development Study, one of the most comprehensive studies of emotional well-being in history. It was carried out for 80 years, and its results gave scientists a lot of information about the physical, mental and emotional health of a person.
Robert Waldinger, author of the study and professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, says: “The most amazing discovery is that our relationships and how happy we are in them have a huge impact on our health. Taking care of your own body is very important, but working on relationships is also a form of taking care of yourself. ”
Researchers have found that a person’s level of satisfaction with his relationship at the age of 50 is a better indicator of potential health problems than blood cholesterol.
Professor Waldinger says: “Strong relationships make us happier and healthier. Point”.
But how does this relate to the “disagree, but accept” principle?
We seek support in all our relationships. Of course, even close people have disagreements. These differences of opinion help us grow and develop. But when it comes to decision making, it happens that no discussion in the world can change someone else’s point of view.
At such times, ask yourself: “Can I, without agreeing, accept this?” If so, show your partner the willingness to do this, and he will reciprocate.
For years, this has helped me maintain a relationship. And this is the main reason why, despite 11 years of marriage, three children and stress, the relationship between my wife today and me is even stronger than before.