How We Choose a Partner

How We Choose a Partner

She only needs money – you only need a supermodel. It would seem commonplace, but they do occur. In addition to superficial reasons, there are those that, fortunately, govern us more often when we are looking for a partner. And if you believe in fate – you’re right. Because yours and her choice have long been predetermined. No, it’s not about some kind of magic. People are just like that.

How We Choose a Partner

We choose those we know – How We Choose a Partner

Most likely, you know the feeling when you have been together for a very short time, and it seems as if you have known each other all your life. The fact is that we choose people who are already in our subconscious.

Before we meet our man in real life, we create his image in the imagination. A simple example: for girls it can be the image of a knight in shining armor, for a guy – some beautiful actress or model. Those are images that are familiar to us since childhood. So mutual attraction arises: she sees in you Lancelot, you see in her Xena – the queen of warriors.

We are looking in people for something that will complement us

You are looking for a person who has everything that you could wish for yourself. Some improved, positive image of yourself. For example, if subconsciously you consider yourself not a very successful person, then in a girl you will definitely pay attention to what kind of relationship she has with fortune. This is necessary so that, being next to her, you can believe in luck, in your luck.

In addition, an important point is the ability to see your qualities in a person. Not necessarily positive. For example, you do not like the fact that you are overly fussy and hot-tempered. When you understand that she has these qualities, she has an internal right to say that she is hot-tempered and fussy, and you are calm.

How do we choose whom we choose

We are looking for a parent in a partner – How We Choose a Partner

Or we are looking for qualities that, on the contrary, will deny the images of the mother or father. That is, the search for parental images can be both positive and negative. It is important to understand that we are talking about the idea of ​​them that developed in early childhood.

For example, many guys are perplexed when they see a beautiful girl, and next to her – a huge full man. This can be explained by the children’s sense of security, which the girl correlates with the image of her mother. Obviously, neither her mother nor her father looks like the partner described above.

More than you might suspect is associated with parents. In the book of Canadian psychologist Eric Burne, there is one of Freud’s theories, which states that each person has three ego states: “parent” (what you taught), “child” (what you felt) and “adult” (what you learned). When partners truly suit each other, their connection is fixed at each level.

To determine compatibility, it’s enough to address a few questions:

– “Parent”: Do you have the same views on life and do you have similar values?

– “Child”: Are you having fun together? Do you like to travel together? Do you find your partner attractive?

– “Adult”: Do you manage to solve problems together? Does the partner attract his partner?

What it looks like if we discard a theory based on romantic ideas

Why Do We Choose Who We Choose?

The author of the book “Evolution of Sexual Attraction” and part-time professor of the Department of Psychology at the University of Texas at David Bass conducted a study whose results were unpleasant for him.

In the field of human sexual preferences, this was the largest study. In its results, all manifestations of sexual life: dating, marriage, extramarital affairs, and divorces. Equally important, the study covered issues such as domestic violence, sexual harassment, oppression of women, and pornography.

The study involved thousands of people. Among them were men and women who were looking for partners in bars; couples at different stages of the relationship; couples whose marriage broke up, and it all ended in divorce and the newlyweds in the first 5 years of marriage. Studied various phenomena – from the manifestation of love to betrayal.

The results of the study contradicted public morality and generally accepted views, which caused a lot of controversies. Several aspects of people’s sexual behavior were unsightly. Both men and women, pursuing their sexual goals, most often do not stop at anything, humiliating rivals, deceiving the representatives of the opposite sex and their partners.

The results are stunning. I would like this side of sexual behavior to not exist at all. But all that remains is to take it for granted and believe in the best in people, no matter what.